You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
