I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
