i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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