conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
