the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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