I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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