Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
