dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
