I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Small penises have feelings too.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
