I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
