update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
