non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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