WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
