well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
