Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
