I will die if light touches me.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
