if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
