a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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