I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
