He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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