I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
