No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
