did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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