I accidentally had phone sex last night
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
