I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize