at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize