I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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