I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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