Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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