im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I don't think brook has ever known best
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize