okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
