There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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