Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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