My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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