I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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