Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
