LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
