Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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