The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I intend to get homeless drunk
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
