shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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