Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
