i permit you to call me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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