I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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