happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You have to summon your inner elephant
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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