i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize