I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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