It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
