I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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