yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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