So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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