Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
