yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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