i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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