I accidentally burped into my bong.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
