He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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