I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My vagina just clenched in fear
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
