I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
