i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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