I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and she was petting her beer can
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
