Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she peed on how many people?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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